Annons:

GRAND CANYON, 28.10.2017

Varför gör jag så här mot mig själv, tänker jag samtidigt som jag torkar svetten ur ögonen. Varför utsätter jag mig för ständigt denna plåga.
Det röda dammet yr kring mina fötter. Sätter sig i munnen, i ögonen, i varje por på min kropp. Det är säkert 30 grader i solen. Varmt och skoningslöst. 

Jag ser Fanny och Ida och en Amerikansk tjej i världsklass försvinna upp längst den sluttande serpentinstigen.
Varför, varför, varför.
Det är inte bara andetagen som bränner utan nu också tårar bakom ögonlocken.
Pulsen stiger. Andningen blir ännu mer ansträngd. Varför ska jag alltid omge mig med människor som ÄR BÄST I VÄRLDEN på det vi gör..?
Varför varför varför.
Varför denna eviga förnedringen och nerbrytningen av mitt bräckliga mentala.
Så tittar jag upp.
Och så kommer svaret.
Varför.
Jag tittar upp från botten på ett av världens sju underverk.
Därför.
För att miljontals av år format stenväggarna runt mig röda. Gråa. Skiftande i lila.
Därför att Coloradofloden ligger smaragdgrön i solen en bit nedanför mig.
Därför att jag omges av ett naturfenomen man knappt kan i huvudet framkalla en bild av.
Därför att världen är så vacker.
För att vinden fläktar och för att jag frivilligt vill vara här. För att jag älskar att känna mig trött, känna kroppen, känna mig levande.
Och om jag inte utsatte mig ständigt för detta skulle jag inte vara just här, just nu.
Jag tittar upp mot platån som ligger 2000 vertikala metrar upp ifrån där jag är. Jag är så liten. På botten av allt.
Det känns så otroligt övermäktigt och samtidigt så genomförbart. Jag sköljs över av någon form av uppgiven beslutsamhet för det finns inget annat alternativ än att ta sig upp för egen maskin. Jag kan inte stå kvar i resten av mina dagar. Jag kan inte låta mig besegras av, en massa varför.
På botten av Grand Canyon.
Så därför därför därför gör jag det här.

/Erika

 

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