Annons:

Det är den 22 januari 2017. Jag står på startlinjen i Andorra på min första vertikala världscup någonsin. Jag vet inte riktigt vad jag ska vänta mig. Runt omkring mig höjer sig bergen och de är klart mycket större, högre och mäktigare än några berg  jag tidigare skidat i. Jag är nervös och kommer ihåg hur jag plötsligt ser på mig själv utifrån. Jag minns hur jag skrattar, fast jag vill gråta. Jag minns hur startskottet går och sen handlar det om 41 minuter av överlevnad.

Detta inlägg ska inte handla att misslyckas eller inte vara nöjd. Ni som läst mina texter innan vet att de annars har en tendens att fyllas med just sånt. Jag vill istället att detta inlägg ska handla om progression, om utveckling och kanske att du skall få förståelse för hur mycket tid det tar att bli bra på något. Kanske också aktuellt när du nästa gång ser på dig själv och den bedrift du gjort. Att få perspektiv och att förstå att det tar tid.

Den 28 januari 2018 var det dags för andra gången. Jag står återigen på samma startlinje. Det är vertikal i Andorra. 750 höjdmetrar rätt upp, sen är det slut. Samma bana som förra året. I princip samma motstånd, samma väder, samma förutsättningar.
Jag står där på samma sätt. Inte gråtfärdig den här gången. Har haft ett så bra träningsår och framförallt en bra träningshöst. De enda som sätter förutsättningarna på spel är min dåliga och oturliga start på tävlingssäsongen. En riktigt sumpinsats i första världscupen, en inställd sprint och ett inställt lopp dagen innan. Mitt självförtroende är halvt kört i kvarnen men samtidigt vet jag klarar det här. Jag klarar att gå 750 höjdmetrar. Jag har under året ökat min intervallpass från obefintligt till rutin,har blivit starkare och vart mer på höghöjd. JAG MÅSTE HA BLIVIT BÄTTRE.

Topp 15 krävs för att jag ska få en biljett till EM. Jag vet att det egentligen är kört på vertikal, det är inte min gren. Jag trillar, bokstavligen, över mållinjen som 20:onde kvinna. Är så trött. Vill aldrig mer ställa mig upp.  Jag har alltid förundrats över längdskidåkarna som har en tendens att alltid lyckas med att ta ut sig fram till mål. Nu är jag också där, kippandes efter luft, hulkandes av trötthet, brännande av syra.
Jag förbättrade min tid med nästan 3 minuter. Man kan väl jämställa det med om du förbättrat din mil-tid på löpning. Tre minuter är mycket.

Och ändå. Vilket skyhögt pris.

Mellan den 22 januari 2017 och den 28 januari 2018 hade jag tränat ca 900h, gått över 200 000 fallhöjdsmetrar på skidor och sprungit så många kilometrar att jag inte ens orkar räkna under sommarhalvåret. Jag har cyklat, varit på gymmet och tänkt träning stora delar av dygnet. Jag har vigt hela mitt liv åt att bli bättre. Jag äter för att bli bättre, sover för att bli bättre och umgås för att bli bättre.
Det är inte sorgligt, bara sant. Allt detta, för tre minuter. TRE MINUTER.
Tre timmar om dagen i 365dagar. =3 minuter..

Det får mig att skratta. Inte alls för att det känns bortkastat, tvärt om, utan för att jag i min naivitet trodde att den process vi kallar träning kan jäkta fram ett resultat. Att jag tänkte att ett år skulle göra mig bra, bäst.
Och fast jag inte är nöjd så blev helt plötsligt blev dessa tre minuter fruktansvärt vackra i mina ögon. Som om jag planterat ett litet frö förra året och nu fick plantan sitt första lilla lilla blad. Skirt och grönt, sprött och inte alls något man kan livnära sig på. Inte heller så frodigt att det är något att skryta över och det skuggas snabbt av de andras fruktansvärt praktfulla blomster som omger min lilla planta. Men ändock står jag där och tittar på mitt lilla blad och tänker tillbaka på alla dessa timmar jag lagt ner för att få det att gro.
Ömt fortsätter jag vattna. Jag fortsätter kliva upp klockan 6 på morgonen för att vara på skidor klockan 8.30 trots att jag inte har något annat planerat på dagen. Jag fortsätter gå mina höjdmetrar i motvind, snålblåst och minusgrader. Fortsätter köra intervaller. Åker till gymmet. Vattnar, pysslar och planterar om.
Tänker att en dag kanske jag också får skörda en mango. Eller förresten tror jag att min planta är något mer robust och kärvt. En kålrabbi kanske.

Så samtidigt som jag stoppar ner mina skavsårsärrade fötter i pjäxorna tänker jag på att när man talar om att vara färdig i livet, då pratar man ju om döden. Att det inte finns någon mall för att lyckas. Tänk så enkelt det hade varit med en manual, ”TRÄNA 900H OCH BLI 3 MINUTER BÄTTRE” och sen en mall på att om jag gör precis som jag gjorde i år blir jag ytterligare 3minuter snabbare. Det funkar tyvärr inte i praktiken. Men det är också det som gör träningen och livet så intressant.
Jag hoppas att du som läser detta kan ta med dig det nästa gång du hinner tänka under din träning att du är långsam, svag eller dålig. Är du det bara i relevans till alla andra? Om du vore den enda människan på jorden, skulle du då vart nöjd?
Och sen tänka på om det för din del är värt det, att lägga 900h på att bli 3 minuter bättre? Vill du veta en hemlighet; Är du som jag kommer du ändå inte vara nöjd. Inte med prestationen men däremot med progressionen. Med den lilla lilla kålrabbi-lövet som bara du kan få att växa.

Lycka till med årets skörd.
Hörs, Hej
/Erika

Johanna Åström vann ESPOIR klassen och Fanny Borgström kom fyra i SENIOR. 

Sveriges fantastiska damlag i skidalpinism

 

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