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För tredje året rullar vi in i den franska byn Tignes. Första året bodde vi trångt. Ville spara så mycket pengar som möjligt. Vi hade hyrt en lägenhet med ett sovrum. Den gemensamma ytan var pytteliten så vi fick turas om att stå upp. Överallt hängde det träningsklädet på tork. Men det gjordes tränings-och matschema, spelades julmusik, vaknade upp till nyheten om att Trump hade vunnit det Amerikanska presidentvalet, vi hann med både tävlingar på skidor och med löparskor det året. Jag tror vi snittade över 2000hm per dag. Det var en fantastisk ny upplevelse av vad idrott kan vara.

Någonstans så skulle jag säga att det var startskottet på en ny era i mitt liv. Detta var året 2016. Innan det lägret hade jag i princip aldrig tränat två gånger per dag. Men det blev en ögonöppnare för vad som var möjligt. Den mängd vi lyckades få till under det där perioden kan jag fortfarande förvånas över. Och längta tillbaka till. Naiviteten. Viljan och spänningen i allt det nya. Åren efter det har två pass per dag blivit mer rutin än avvikande i mitt liv.

I år har vi en betydligt större lägenhet. Men matschema och julmusik är fortfarande rutin, och Trump får fortfarande medial uppmärksamhet på morgonnyheterna. Vi är fortfarande stadigt eskalerande i vår träning. Men jag sitter också här tre år senare och, iallafall tror mig, ha lärt mig ett och annat. Till exempel om att leva, det är en ständig process och att utforska sin kropp är en del av att jag ska känna mig levande. Jag har säkert tränat hundratals pass på fel sätt för att det skulle vara optimal. Jag har säkert kunnat bli bättre snabbare, eller kanske inte alls. Kanske har jag inte ens förutsättningarna för att bli bra på de sporter jag nu utövar. Vad nu ens ”bra” är. Men det kan jag ju knappast veta. Vart gränsen för mitt ”bra” går innan jag testat.

Efter tre år så börjar jag iallafall inse en sak som gör att jag nu kliver in i ytterligare en ny era av träning. Håll i er:

VI ÄR ALLA OLIKA.

Kan ju tyckas rätt korkat att komma med den slutsatsen efter 1095 dagar av den ständiga känslan av att jag alltid är sämre, alltid tröttare, alltid långsammare, alltid sist, alltid den som verkar orka minst. Att jag kollat på de andra tjejerna och tyckt att min kroppssammansättning är så olik deras och att det då måste automatiskt vara fel på den. Att jag sett mig som svag när jag måste äta på ett långpass. Eller när jag blir törstig. Att jag sett mig som lat för att jag inte orkar i samma takt som de andra. Men vet ni vad? Det behöver inte vara ett tecken på svaghet utan bara en olikhet. Att mina gener som jag ofrånkomligt måste leva med inte har samma förutsättningar. I det stora hela har det förändat allt. Jag blir tvingad att uppmärksamma vad jag känner, ta mina egna genetiska förutsättningsval. Inte göra vad någon annan gör eller säger. Jag kanske har svårare att bli bra på springa långt eller gå snabbt på skidor men det betyder inte att jag inte kan bli det. Eller så betyder det just precis det. Att jag aldrig kan bli riktigt riktigt bra. Men det är ju inte heller något som är en mänsklig rättighet direkt. Att bli bäst. Fast återigen kan jag ju aldrig veta om jag inte testar. Dessutom har denna nya insikt gett mig grym motivation att hitta mitt sätt för att bli den bästa versionen av mig själv i det jag tar för mig.

Men det har tagit mig alla dessa dagar och träningar och samlanden av information för att inse det. Men herre jösses vilken vändning.

Som Albert Einstein ska så klokt ha myntat

”Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.

Jag tror vi blir bättre människor av att se våra gränser för att därifrån bestämma oss för om vi accepterar det som en gräns eller om vi faktiskt önskar annat. Själv önskar jag mig uthållig, stark, snabb. Men också ödmjuk inför mig själv, tacksam för det jag redan kan och att jag ska älska mig själv mest så jag kan ge kärlek till andra.

Så tredje året här i Tignes. Jag har fortfarande privileget att få vara en del av det svenska skidalpinism landslaget med mina bästa vänner. Jag får vara frisk och stark i min egen genetik. Och jag växer. Vad fasen mer kan man begära?

Lycka till med dina gränser. /Erika Borgström

Om skribenten

Skimogirls

Skimogirls är ett kollektiv med tjejer som tycker om att vara i bergen, på vintern är det skidor med stighudar under fötterna och på sommaren i löparskor. Författarna på denna blogg är: Emelie Forsberg, Fanny Borgström, Erika Borgström och Ida Nilsson. Här kan ni följa deras tankar om idrott, prestation och vänskap. Trevlig läsning!

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