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Andorra 2019-01-28 

Ni vet den där känslan, när det känns som att man trasslar in sig själv i tankar och krav. När man glömmer bort att lyssna på sig själv. Ligger tio steg framför fast man egentligen borde stannat för längesen. 

Då brukar jag placera mig själv på en stubbe, tyvärr inte påriktigt utan i tanken(men har man sprungit ifrån sig själv med alldeles för många steg, då kan det nog vara bra att göra det rent fysiskt)! 

Jag föreställer mig att jag sitter omsvept i tystnad, endast upptagen av mina egna tankar och det enda jag behöver fokusera på är mig själv. 

Här finns ingen som ser, ingen som ska tycka, inget att leva upp till. En plats att fånga upp mig själv och påminna mig om vad jag tycker är viktigt. När ingen ser och ingen vet. Vem kan då ge mig bekräftelse och uppskattning om inte jag själv? 

Jag är i Andorra och har avverkat den andra världscups helgen av tre i följd! Den första tävlingen gick i Österrike. Den avlutades med en målgång ned för den anrika hoppbacken i Bischofshofen. 

Jag var medioker. Kände inget driv, gjorde en del missar men det var en start och jag gjorde min läxa till denna helgs tävling. Tränade byten av stighudar! Avlutade som 13onde vilket också innebar en kvalificering till VM. 

I helgen gick det en individuell och en vertikal här i Andorra. Fortsatt tunga ben på individuella, men jag gav inte upp och tillslut verkade det som att de flesta andra möttes av samma seghet så jag kunde få nå mitt mål av en topp10 placering! 

På söndagen var det vertikal dags och med endast 26sekunder till pallen så blev en 6e plast en bra indikation att mitt besök på stubben en vecka innan avfärd hade varit givande. Jag vill kunna vara stolt över att jag stöttar mig själv, både när det går bra och när det är tungt. Jag vill vara min största supporter och den som tror på mig själv! 

En vecka innan avfärd mot Österrike och säsongens första världscup la sig ett tryck över bröstet. Jag googlade. Dumt. Smart. Klassiskt. 

Kom fram till att det var mycket likt symtomen för hjärnhinneinflammation. Hade hjärtklappningar, hög puls av knappt någon ansträngning och så den där smärtan över bröstkorgen som gjorde att luften liksom inte kom ner. 

Jag blev stressad. Kände hur jag blev besviken på att jag låtit kroppen få hamna i detta stadie. Ställde direkt min egna diagnos och såg framför mig hur hela säsongen var förbi och än värre; hur jag bara kört över min kropp! 

Men trots mitt egna övertygande så åkte jag in på HC. Fick göra ett EKG, blodprover, syre mättnad och en koll av lungorna. ”Inga problem,” sa doktorn, ”men jag vill inte vara den som säger ja till tre stenhårda helger med tävlingar! Där måste du känna själv.”

Sagt och gjort så kände jag. Placerade mig själv på stubben. Funderade vad som är viktigt för mig, för min egna känsla och välmående. Jag vill vara stark för mig själv, men ibland är inte stark att fortsätta stå upp när det blåser. Det kan vara att sätta sig ner och låta stormen dra förbi. 

Så det gjorde jag. Lät kroppen vara. Rörde på mig men ingen träning. Tänkte att det enda jag kunde hoppas på var att stormen skulle avta innan avfärd mot världscup. Och trots lätta brisar av oro om en icke existerande form så gick startskottet i Österrike. Jag som sagt medioker, men med en vetskap och lättnad över att jag tagit mig ett besök vid stubben och där fått reda på att: 

Så länge du själv kan stå för det du gör, känna dig tacksam och utmana dig i det som i slutändan kommer bli det mest lustfyllda, då är du på rätt väg! 

/Fanny 

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